Dude. Today’s class. I don’t even know where to begin.
Well, before class today I was sorta feeling all yoga’d out. My hips and thighs still feel jello-y and generally unsteady. When I showed up for class today I decided to go back to my regular spot. However, G & A were there and said NO! So I went to yesterday’s spot right in the center of the room (but still under the fan).
It sucked. I was sweating bullets before class even began and found I could hardly keep up during Pranayama Breathing. As an aside, my wrists have been KILLING ME lately, and this pose just activates my nerves in an awful way. Yet, when I am doing the pose, I’ve found this week that my elbows are coming up much higher. Steps backward, steps forward. Whatever.
I was on the floor by Awkward, sitting that pose out along with half of Eagle. I could feel the tears coming… the sobs starting deep inside. But I got up and tried to get back into it with Eagle. Standing Head to Knee found me backsliding and not kicking out. Standing Bow had me falling out a hundred times (yet, after class G said the pose was great…). I attempted one set of Balancing Stick and then it happened… I bolted from the room in tears.
I sat on one of the benches in the lobby soaked with sweat and tears, my body shaking from crying so hard. I was feeling so many things, but most of it was driven by shame. I felt ashamed that I was standing in a prime spot for the teacher to see and give adjustments and it was wasted on someone like me, who could barely stand on one leg and had to lay down by the 2nd pose. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t doing a good enough job for G. I felt undeserving of her time and attention. It was so deep and so painful.
Blugh. So I tried to get it all out as speedily as possible and was back in the room by the time Triangle was over. I stood through the next pose and when I tried to do Tree Pose (twice) I could hardly stand on one leg. We made it to the floor and it was about this time that I realized how goddamned hot the room was (it wasn’t) and decided I was going to suffocate to death (I didn’t). The floor series was okay. I was super overwhelmed but just kept going with the poses. I regressed and skipped the sit-ups today. I did both sets of Camel even though I was already feeling a little bonkers. I’m glad I did… it always feels so good.
I was so glad to get out of there. I talked it all over with G after class and she said lots of very nice things to try and counter my self-hatey-feelings. I knew that the joyful classes would hiccup at some point and allow a hard one to slip in, and here it was. I’m trying to remember that this is OKAY.
Ten classes in … Ten more to go for this month. Very good things.