I wish I could convey to you all just how tired I am. Sooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiired.
I did NOT want to go to class tonight. I felt stressed at work today and by the time I got out of there, I felt like I was rushing to get to class (thank goodness I’d packed my bag last night). I got there, still in my work clothes, and had to set up my mat THREE SPOTS IN rather than my usual spot right by the door. Now, I realize this makes me a crazy person, but being three mats in made me super anxious. My heart rate was actually up! I went and laughed it off with the studio owner and our teacher for the night. I suppose we’re all nuts in our own special ways.
I felt totally unprepared emotionally and so I was hoping it was going to be one of those classes you dread and then turn out to be fabulous. Yeah, that didn’t happen. It wasn’t awful either, but it wasn’t grand.
Briana was teaching again and she’s (still) awesome. My poses were only okay tonight, though I did have a moment when I charged into Standing Bow and felt – for the first time – what I think I’m supposed to be feeling when doing that pose. After trying and falling out three or four times, I had a moment of stillness, balance, alignment, and a settling into my standing leg that felt amazing. Naturally I fell right out, but I think I understand now what the pose is supposed to feel like when it’s done right and held. That was pretty neat.
I felt good about triangle tonight and then spent the following two poses in tears sitting on the floor. I had this very overwhelming feeling about my practice, how I haven’t been coming as often as I was, how I suck in the room and was taking up a space that should go to someone else. Lots of guilt and shame and sadness coming up that likely had nothing to do with the hot room at all.
I regrouped a little after my rest and got back into things for the floor poses. I did a good job on the second set of Camel, and that felt amazing. My Full Locust was also pretty good (man is that pose exhausting!!).
My studio owner, Gerdette, who is also a personal trainer, thinks I need to do a triathalon or something in order to help with my chronic depression. I tried explaining that I’m too jiggly to be a runner, but she waved me off. She wants me to get out of the house and “sign up for something.” God help me. These yogis are hard core. I’m afraid she may actually talk me into it. Eek!
Okay, I can’t think anymore. So tired. I can’t wait for my post-yoga sleep!!!